Au revoir 2010, hellloooo 2011! In my opinion, resolutions are old hat…I prefer a new blog dish to start the year off right. We know, we know. Stella and I are looooong overdue for a new blog story…but trust us patience is a virtue…and this one is a doozy.
I am beginning to seriously doubt that it's possible for me to have a "normal" NYE. For the last 3 years, something bizarre has always managed to happen to Stella and me. Let’s recap – NYE 2008, out of ALL of the party spots in Seattle I wound up in Ballard at the same bar as Miguel (my on-again, off-again high school ex) and his new girlfriend of the moment. Awkward tension all night long. Grrreat. Also that night, I somehow wound up being the only "single" girl in our group and had no one to kiss when the clock struck twelve...so after one too many cosmos, I decided that it would be a good idea to make out with Carlos (mutual friend of Miguel and I) at midnight, in an attempt to make Miguel jealous (classy, I know). *sigh*
Fast forward to NYE 2009. Miguel and I were back "on" for the moment so we made plans to go out with a group of friends to Belltown. I happened to be the only girl in the group, but this time I was with a bunch of close guy friends so I didn't mind all that much…and for some reason they were all reeeeeallllly excited to go dancing....Little did I know (I actually didn't find out until the wee hours of the morning), but they were all high on E. I got to ring in the New Year being a drug addled babysitter. No dice.
Zooming ahead to NYE 2010...I found an amazingly hot cocktail dress and was super excited to go out with Stella and our girl friend Michelle. After sipping a couple tasty pre-funking cocktails (per usual), we ventured out into the frigid cold to begin our festivities on Queen Anne Hill. Around 10:30pm we jumped in a cab and made our way over to Belltown…i.e. the NYE epicenter of Sea-town. Everything was peachy, our trio was having a blast and at about 11:30pm - we were at Amber (one of our favorite of the Belltown bars) when we ran into a group of girls that I went to high school with. Now I hadn’t seen, nor spoken to any of these girls in well over 5 years...so like any half drunk gaggle of girls would do, we immediately screeched in unison and excitedly hugged each other with one hand while juggling cocktails and clutches in the other.
*PAUSE*
I need to take a moment to give you some background context on the Tool who is the focus of this story. In order to do that, we have to briefly rewind to October 2010. Enter in: Small Town Tool (STT). An old high school classmate reached out to me via Facebook. He was deliciously cute, flirty and much to my surprise, we had a fair amount in common. STT and I were in the same graduating class (shout out to the class of 2005), but we didn't role with the same crowds in school. STT was yummy, and there definitely was potential, but because we lived 2 hours apart things never progressed further than few casual drinks. Sadly, long distance dating es no bueno.
Speeding up to December 2010. What is it about the Holidays that always seem to bring new surprises? After zippo communicado for the past 2 months...guess who decides to jump back in the picture for Round 2?? Yep, you guessed - Small Town Tool. And he was cheesier than ever with his flirting, saying things like: "You're a cutie," "I wish you were still in town so I could kiss you," "So when I do get to come visit you?" Blah Blah Blah. For the record – no self-respecting independent woman in her early twenties wants to be referred to as "cutie"...what are we 12?! Regardless, STT's overt cheesiness coupled with the Christmas spirit had me a little smitten.
On Christmas Eve, after making the rounds at the holiday parties STT and I met up at a mutual friend's house. We'll call this friend Navy Tool (NT). The night was pretty innocent, NT was regaling Small Town Tool and myself about his adventurous attempts to become a Navy Seal and then proceeded to break out his guitar and sing out of tune for 2 hours. STT used this as his opportunity to make a move, and in true middle school fashion...held my hand. Around 2:00am, tired but still lucid, I finally decided to call it a night. I looked over to see STT and NT asleep on each other's shoulders with NT gingerly cradling his guitar. How precious. No sooner did I make it back to my madre’s house, that I get a message from STT to the effect of "come back and cuddle with me (sad face)"...Seriously??? Calling me “cutie”, cuddling, hand-holding...all of this was making me slightly nostalgic for my high school days, when life was so innocent and simplistic. Reality check. That was then, and this is now.
STT and I had kept in touch throughout the week and I was excited that we had plans to grab drinks the following night. But I would NEVER dream of celebrating NYE without Stella...I mean, bro's before hoe's, right?...Or whatever the female equivalent to that may be. Chicks before dicks, perhaps?
*UN-PAUSE*
Let’s return to the NYE scene in Belltown. Scantily clad, bedazzled women were out in droves and the men were drooling in close step. Our trio was enjoying the NYE festivities at Amber, where by that time we were joined by Stella's beau Conan. Stella and I like Amber for 3 primary reasons: 1) there is never a cover; 2) thanks to a long standing, well cultivated reputation with the head bouncer...Stella and I can easily skirt the line of people; and 3) this hot spot is the home to one of our fav bartenders of all time – Christina – Arguably one of the best bartenders in all of Seattle, if not the west coast. This Boston native has more sass in her pinky finger, than all of the Rat City Roller Girls combined. Boom.
Despite my better judgment, I struck up a conversation with Kathy (one of the girls from the group that I ran into earlier). It just so happened that Kathy was Small Town Tool’s Ex from high school. Just my luck. In ALL the bars, in ALL of Seattle…I had to run into her. Here. Tonight. Nevertheless, the two of us chit-chatted about the typical stuff – where are you living?, where are you working?...And then I asked the million dollar question: dating anyone?...“Oh yeah, I’m still with (Small Town Tool’s name)” *coughs vodka tonic* *sputters* *nearly drops cocktail* All I could get out of my mouth was, “SAY WHO?!” After a brief pause and slightly foggy drunken confusion…I had to tell her that I had in fact, just started seeing Small Town Tool. Kathy and I immediately proceeded to compared text messages that we’d both received from STT, which only further infuriated the both of us. I was so pissed, I could have spit nails. To make matters worse, I then thought it was a brilliant idea to send STT a slew of fuming drunk text messages to let him know that, “Umm. Someone just handed me a Crown on the rocks. Oh dear.”…“Oh yeah, and Kathy is here. You’ve been caught. Douche.”
Reader’s Digest Version: I am no longer speaking to Small Town Tool. EPIC fail on his part. And to the ladies out there reading this – Don’t be fooled by cheesy jokes and one-liners. Any man who debases himself to employing these tactics is most likely doing so because he is hiding something (like a girl friend). Furthermore, terms like “sweetie” and “cutie” are ONLY acceptable when they are being used by your flamboyant male friends of the homosexual persuasion. Hello 2011.
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