Screw Online Dating: The Office, the New Adult Friend Finder

We’ve waxed and waned about whether to share the exploits of this particularly abrasive Tool for some time now. Initially, we didn’t think he could ever amount to “Tool Box” material. But who are we kidding, you are all fair game. Every. Single. One. Of. You.

We should also note that this story is going to require one extra precaution…out of all the men we’ve encountered THIS Tool is the lone ranger – hands down, he is the only Tool that has ever showed any protest to having his exploits splashed across the inter-web. To be honest, most men find our tales hysterical and actually WANT to be in the blog. Others have gone so far as to comment on the story posted about themselves! Either that, or they come to terms with their moronic ways and know fully well why they are being ratted out.

But back to the precautionary measures. We are not going to reveal who this story rightfully belongs too…Stella or Bella? B or S? Our lips are sealed…well sort of. We will still share this candidate’s toolish ways in their entirety. His lies. His slimy behavior…all the facts of the following story are 100% true. However, in the interest of discretion (and so that a certain unnamed individual can’t pursue us for “slander”) the remainder of this Tool Box installment will be from a single perspective…and like I said, my lips are sealed…

Ladies: Myth #1. Office romances only work out on TV. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that whatever fling you’re having with the cute new hire will play out like Jim and Pam at Dunder Mifflin. Sure they’ve had their ups and downs throughout the numerous seasons of The Office, but in the end they get married, have a baby and are happily by each other’s side. BS. Reality paints quite a different picture.

This installment of the Tool Box takes place in the summer (as an additional precaution, we’re omitting the year). Enter In: Cute new guy, justly dubbed Office Tool (OT). As the newbie in the office, he was trying to make a good impression with everyone, helping out where ever he could. OT and I didn’t have a lot of 1-on-1 contact, but I did look forward to the occasional hallway and kitchen interactions. It’s always nice to catch a sideways glance and notice a new, attractive guy checking you out. Every girl needs a slight ego boost every now and then, right? Now Office Tool wasn’t jaw-droppingly hot, and he definitely didn’t jump off the pages of GQ, but he was decent. What he lacked in the looks and physique department, he definitely made up for in wit, charm and general sass. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

Casual flirting led to casual dating, which eventually led to…you guessed it, casual sleepovers…Ladies: Myth #2. “No Strings Attached,” casual dating is nonsense. It doesn’t work. Let’s face it. We’re women and when there are strong, intimate emotions involved, we GET ATTACHED. You’re down right delusional if you believe otherwise. Been there, tried that.

After a couple months of casual dating I was feeling like things were progressing well with OT. We both decided that we needed “something light” because we both had our own baggage. Mine was primarily based on past relationships…and well, let’s just say that his required day care and came with a legal obligation of 18 years. Regardless of our baggage, one thing was made perfectly clear – We were NOT going to tell anyone in our office that we were dating. Sometimes I think the office gossip mill is worse than it was in high school…news spreads like wildfire.

So we kept things discreet. OT and I went on dates, he was flirty, affectionate and we were slowly spending more and more time together. I used to get downright giddy when we’d cross paths in the office because I knew that he would be sending me a flirty text or email moments later…Office Tool was sweet and really seemed to know how to treat a girl. I felt like he was someone I could trust and I let him through walls that most guys don’t make it past.

Now I’m not sure how to describe the progression exactly, other than to say that after things passed a certain level of “seriousness,” a switch flipped. Suddenly there was a barrier that hadn’t been there before. OT became very distant, leaving me utterly confused. I tried to confront him about it with no avail. I will admit that I made one tinsy error here – I managed to get myself so worked up over the situation with Office Tool that I ended up confiding in a co-worker. I mean come on, I neeeeeeded to vent to someone! I tried to cover my bases by having said co-worker promise up and down that she wouldn’t tell my secret. I trusted her. Unfortunately, I did come clean to OT about my confession to said co-worker. Sheesh. He was not happy. OT ranted and raved about how he needed to keep his personal and professional lives separate. He was new to the office and didn’t need to attract any undue attention. At this point, we’d been carrying on with this office tryst for about 3 months…Where is this going? What does he want out of this? Is he being distant because he’s seeing someone else?...All of these were questions incessantly floating around in my head. Gents, I’m sure (or rather, I hope) you can relate to these on some level. Ladies, I KNOW you’ve been there too.

After a week or so of no word from Office Tool, we finally had “the talk.” To sum up his load of BS, he explained that he wasn’t in the “right place” to have a girl friend because he had too much going on in his life and needed time to focus. Blah blah blah. The cherry on top (I’ll paraphrase here) –You’re a great girl, really sexy and mature for your age…but you’re too young to understand my baggage. What a load of bull…I’m in my early twenties and while I won’t pin-point his age exactly, I will say that he was a few years my senior. But let’s be real, the dude’s under 30 (my cut-off). I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe it. Just goes to show you that even the older ones, with graduate degrees are still fit for our Tool Box!

Yes, my feelings were hurt. Yes, I felt used. I’m a firm believer that life continually provides you with situations to learn from. Growth from those experiences is the most important thing you can take away. My motto: Always forgive, never forget. I did my best to avoid Office Tool over the next few months. Even though he started out as a temporary hire, he had managed to weasel his way into a full-time gig…Great news for me. He wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon.

Fast forward to the Holidays. No sooner did I finally manage to get OT out my hair and off my mind…he decides to pop back into the picture. Sending me messages to the effect of, “You looked great today, btw;” “I kept thinking about your hot shoes…couldn’t really focus”…and after a few days of flirty exchanges and making plans to grab drinks, this happened:

Office Tool: Hey, I’m not sure we should go out later.

Me: Ok, why’s that?

Office Tool: I’ll be honest, part of my motivation is because I couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to be with you again…I was hoping you could stay the night, so if you want to it would be great, but if not then we shouldn’t drink together…but I’d love to have you over if you can…

J. Christ! Ladies: Take note and read through the lines. The above is a polite (albeit stupid) way of a guy asking for a booty call. I’m not one to judge – to each their own, but this girl does not do booty calls. No dice.

I made it CRYSTAL clear to OT that I had no intention of becoming his side action. I needed to look out for myself and my feelings. I did not want to get hurt, AGAIN. However, I have to give credit where credit is due, he’s charming and he knew me well enough to know exactly what to say…And after some persistence, I caved and agreed to see him again. My motives weren’t aimed towards steamy sessions in the sack, but inevitably that’s where things ended up.

To summarize, hindsight is 20/20…things simply repeated and I should have seen it coming. OT was amazingly affectionate and I was falling for him, once again. All the old feelings came back and I had a glimmer of hope that things might be different this time…yeah, right. Just like before, he coiled back with the same old excuse – He wasn’t in the right place to be dating anyone. Baloney. Hurting me once, shame on you. Allowing myself to fall for it twice, shame on me. I guess, we’ll chalk it up to another one of those life lessons…ugh.

Fast forward through the Holidays and into the New Year. Things were going great…with work, with friends. Oh heck, with life in general. I was finally feeling over OT, despite my inexplicable attraction to him. And then, it hit me. Like a freakin’ Mac Truck. My co-worker mentioned that Office Tool’s sexcapades were the hot new piece of gossip floating around the office….OT was dating someone else…IN THE OFFICE! What? Who? When? How???? A thousand thoughts came rushing into my head, along with an unpleasant sinking feeling in my stomach. My heart raced and my head whirled. How could he do this? What is he thiiiiiiinking?! Not only had OT sparked a new inter-office flame, but to make matters worse his victim was new to office as well. This poor girl didn’t have a clue what she was in for.

To be honest, I couldn’t care less about who Office Tool does or does not sleep with. Like I said before, to each their own. He could sleep with the whole damn office if it pleases him. My point of contention is with the fact that he feels it necessary to flaunt his conquests (myself included) to other people…WHERE I WORK! Excuse me, but whatever happened to wanting to maintain professionalism? Needing to keep personal and professional life separate?? Until this point, I’ve kept my mouth shut. Sitting idly by and watching him make a fool of himself. For shame.

Moral of the Story: OT, have some tact. It’s poor judgment to use the office as your social watering hole. You have a personal life, and a professional life…they are separate for a reason. Do yourself a favor and keep it that way.

Maybe in Guatemala Lying is a National Past-Time Tool

This story begins waaaaay back in December of 2008 (wow, that just made me feel really old) on an atypical night where Bella and I decided to hang out at a club in the butt hole of Seattle - Yes, you guessed it, Pioneer Square. EWWWW. Lots of interesting encounters have taken place in Seattle’s oldest neighborhood, but that's beside the point of this particular story.

My story begins with Bella and I getting ready to go out for a night on the town in our usual glammed up fashion. It was this particular Friday night that we were invited by Bella's Ex, let's just call him Miguel for now (he'll have his own blog entry in the near future), to a friend's birthday shindig. Little did we know, but the party was being held for a girl that went to Bella's high school. Definitely not someone that Bella would consider a friend, maybe an acquaintance at best. This girl had eyes and features that protruded so far she resembled Rodney Dangerfield! Now, I normally wouldn't blatantly make fun of someone for their looks or appearance, but this girl had it coming! Not only was she flirting with Bella's Ex in front of her, she was macking on every guy in the place including the one that I had my eye on. Let's just call him Guatemalan Tool (GT) for now.

The night was going pretty well from the beginning - some light pre-funking before going out and after a couple of cocktails at the club we were feeling a little dancey (it's what we do)! Bella was dancing with Miguel and some of his guy friends and I was looking for an attractive someone to match my own dancing skills. That's when I saw him...tall, dark and handsome, most definitely Hispanic and he could hold his own on the dance floor. We made eye contact and Miguel and Bella were quick to see a gaze of interest between the two of us(they both went to high school with this GT). Needless to say, they introduced us immediately and for the rest of the night I had my dancing partner and was extremely satisfied. As you can very well guess the story does not end here....

Fast forward to NYE 2009 (about three weeks after the club scene), also the next time I saw the Guatemalan Tool. Again, pretty much the same group of people from the club (minus Rodney Dangerfield’s female counterpart) went to a lounge in Ballard to celebrate NYE in style. Nothing too significant happened aside from the fact that Miguel brought his new girl friend with him and this aggravated the hell out of Bella (read the blog on Small Town Tool for more details). After the fête ended, GT and I went back to my apartment near the University District and had a serious convo about his feelings toward me. I wanted a relationship and saw no reason to resist GT, aside from the fact that it would be a semi-long distance relationship because he lived over 2 hours away. He had a car as did I, so there was no reason it wouldn't work as long as we both put forth the effort. Therein lies the problem...

GT and I saw each other about once, sometimes twice a week for the next two months. I was twitter-patted. GT always knew exactly the right things to say and do to keep me wanting more. This tool even went so far as to ask if he could meet my parents! Brazen. Yes, he touted that he was "serious" about the relationship that had been developing between the two of us over the past months. The encounter with my parentals was pretty hilarious in and of itself. My father straight-up told GT that he had a stupid name (yes, that was the first words out of his mouth) and GT took it, but then proceeded to weave my family a string of lies…Hmm where to start...."I own three cars" "I attend the local university" "I have a full-ride soccer scholarship" "I own my own house" "I invited all of my family to live with me" "I gained citizenship here two years ago" "I have a high GPA and am majoring in computer science and work full-time"....and the list goes on and on. GT left the house leaving a good impression with the parental units, however I was suspicious and decided to do a little of my own investigating.

After Googling the classes GT was SUPPOSEDLY taking and the roster for the university soccer team he SUPPOSEDLY played for, I learned real quick that this guy was not being honest about anything at all.  No such major at that university and no name on the current or past soccer roosters…this is when things started to go downhill. Oh heck, screw downhill. Shit dropped off a cliff! When I confronted GT about all of his lies, he denied everything! Did he really think a girl working toward a master’s degree wouldn't do her background research and find out sooner or later? Hence the reason he gained blog worthy status!

In an attempt to redeem himself, GT told me that he was going to do something REALLY special for Valentine's Day. He said not to worry about a thing and that everything would be planned out. Now I am not one to really enjoy a guy going over the top on this particular holiday, simply because of the fact that it's so commercialized. But I had to admit that I was getting a little excited to see what GT had in store.

Valentine’s Day 2009 arrived and I was even more excited to see GT and what he had planned for the special day. Five o'clock rolls around and I hadn’t received so much as even a text from GT. I was feeling really down at this point. Was he going to come through and do something to really surprise me, or was he going to be a complete tool and make up yet another lame excuse? I worked up my courage, and sent GT a text to the effect of "ummm....so I thought you were making plans for Valentine's Day?" GT texts right back, "so sorry, my mom has the flu and is in the hospital, I can't do anything today." REALLY!?! After all the lies I had already endured, did he actually think that I would really believe him??? HELL NOOO!

Let's just say over the past two years GT comes around every so often to text or chat, explaining that, "I made the biggest mistake of my life losing you" "you’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me" or "the reason I did what I did was because I was scared and falling in love." Blah Blah Blah. Whatever the case may be, I wasn't having it and bestie Bella assured me that GT was a compulsive liar and not to be trusted.

Moral of the Story:  When things sound way too good to be true, that’s usually the case.

New Year, New Tool

Au revoir 2010, hellloooo 2011! In my opinion, resolutions are old hat…I prefer a new blog dish to start the year off right. We know, we know. Stella and I are looooong overdue for a new blog story…but trust us patience is a virtue…and this one is a doozy.

I am beginning to seriously doubt that it's possible for me to have a "normal" NYE. For the last 3 years, something bizarre has always managed to happen to Stella and me. Let’s recap – NYE 2008, out of ALL of the party spots in Seattle I wound up in Ballard at the same bar as Miguel (my on-again, off-again high school ex) and his new girlfriend of the moment. Awkward tension all night long. Grrreat. Also that night, I somehow wound up being the only "single" girl in our group and had no one to kiss when the clock struck twelve...so after one too many cosmos, I decided that it would be a good idea to make out with Carlos (mutual friend of Miguel and I) at midnight, in an attempt to make Miguel jealous (classy, I know). *sigh*

Fast forward to NYE 2009. Miguel and I were back "on" for the moment so we made plans to go out with a group of friends to Belltown. I happened to be the only girl in the group, but this time I was with a bunch of close guy friends so I didn't mind all that much…and for some reason they were all reeeeeallllly excited to go dancing....Little did I know (I actually didn't find out until the wee hours of the morning), but they were all high on E. I got to ring in the New Year being a drug addled babysitter. No dice.

Zooming ahead to NYE 2010...I found an amazingly hot cocktail dress and was super excited to go out with Stella and our girl friend Michelle. After sipping a couple tasty pre-funking cocktails (per usual), we ventured out into the frigid cold to begin our festivities on Queen Anne Hill. Around 10:30pm we jumped in a cab and made our way over to Belltown…i.e. the NYE epicenter of Sea-town. Everything was peachy, our trio was having a blast and at about 11:30pm - we were at Amber (one of our favorite of the Belltown bars) when we ran into a group of girls that I went to high school with. Now I hadn’t seen, nor spoken to any of these girls in well over 5 years...so like any half drunk gaggle of girls would do, we immediately screeched in unison and excitedly hugged each other with one hand while juggling cocktails and clutches in the other.

*PAUSE*

I need to take a moment to give you some background context on the Tool who is the focus of this story. In order to do that, we have to briefly rewind to October 2010. Enter in: Small Town Tool (STT). An old high school classmate reached out to me via Facebook. He was deliciously cute, flirty and much to my surprise, we had a fair amount in common. STT and I were in the same graduating class (shout out to the class of 2005), but we didn't role with the same crowds in school. STT was yummy, and there definitely was potential, but because we lived 2 hours apart things never progressed further than few casual drinks. Sadly, long distance dating es no bueno.

Speeding up to December 2010. What is it about the Holidays that always seem to bring new surprises? After zippo communicado for the past 2 months...guess who decides to jump back in the picture for Round 2?? Yep, you guessed - Small Town Tool. And he was cheesier than ever with his flirting, saying things like: "You're a cutie," "I wish you were still in town so I could kiss you," "So when I do get to come visit you?" Blah Blah Blah. For the record – no self-respecting independent woman in her early twenties wants to be referred to as "cutie"...what are we 12?! Regardless, STT's overt cheesiness coupled with the Christmas spirit had me a little smitten.

On Christmas Eve, after making the rounds at the holiday parties STT and I met up at a mutual friend's house. We'll call this friend Navy Tool (NT). The night was pretty innocent, NT was regaling Small Town Tool and myself about his adventurous attempts to become a Navy Seal and then proceeded to break out his guitar and sing out of tune for 2 hours. STT used this as his opportunity to make a move, and in true middle school fashion...held my hand. Around 2:00am, tired but still lucid, I finally decided to call it a night. I looked over to see STT and NT asleep on each other's shoulders with NT gingerly cradling his guitar. How precious. No sooner did I make it back to my madre’s house, that I get a message from STT to the effect of "come back and cuddle with me (sad face)"...Seriously??? Calling me “cutie”, cuddling, hand-holding...all of this was making me slightly nostalgic for my high school days, when life was so innocent and simplistic. Reality check. That was then, and this is now.

STT and I had kept in touch throughout the week and I was excited that we had plans to grab drinks the following night. But I would NEVER dream of celebrating NYE without Stella...I mean, bro's before hoe's, right?...Or whatever the female equivalent to that may be. Chicks before dicks, perhaps?

*UN-PAUSE*

Let’s return to the NYE scene in Belltown. Scantily clad, bedazzled women were out in droves and the men were drooling in close step. Our trio was enjoying the NYE festivities at Amber, where by that time we were joined by Stella's beau Conan. Stella and I like Amber for 3 primary reasons: 1) there is never a cover; 2) thanks to a long standing, well cultivated reputation with the head bouncer...Stella and I can easily skirt the line of people; and 3) this hot spot is the home to one of our fav bartenders of all time – Christina – Arguably one of the best bartenders in all of Seattle, if not the west coast. This Boston native has more sass in her pinky finger, than all of the Rat City Roller Girls combined. Boom.

Despite my better judgment, I struck up a conversation with Kathy (one of the girls from the group that I ran into earlier). It just so happened that Kathy was Small Town Tool’s Ex from high school. Just my luck. In ALL the bars, in ALL of Seattle…I had to run into her. Here. Tonight. Nevertheless, the two of us chit-chatted about the typical stuff – where are you living?, where are you working?...And then I asked the million dollar question: dating anyone?...“Oh yeah, I’m still with (Small Town Tool’s name)” *coughs vodka tonic* *sputters* *nearly drops cocktail* All I could get out of my mouth was, “SAY WHO?!” After a brief pause and slightly foggy drunken confusion…I had to tell her that I had in fact, just started seeing Small Town Tool. Kathy and I immediately proceeded to compared text messages that we’d both received from STT, which only further infuriated the both of us. I was so pissed, I could have spit nails. To make matters worse, I then thought it was a brilliant idea to send STT a slew of fuming drunk text messages to let him know that, “Umm. Someone just handed me a Crown on the rocks. Oh dear.”…“Oh yeah, and Kathy is here. You’ve been caught. Douche.”

Reader’s Digest Version: I am no longer speaking to Small Town Tool. EPIC fail on his part. And to the ladies out there reading this – Don’t be fooled by cheesy jokes and one-liners. Any man who debases himself to employing these tactics is most likely doing so because he is hiding something (like a girl friend). Furthermore, terms like “sweetie” and “cutie” are ONLY acceptable when they are being used by your flamboyant male friends of the homosexual persuasion. Hello 2011.