S and B out of the Box!

Stella (S)- She's a rocker chick, legs for days in her skinny jeans, multiple tattoos and sports an even DOZEN body piercings. The girl can master the lyrics to any song after only hearing it once. She’s a walking iPod. True to her Hispanic roots, this latina's got an affinity for spicy foods…and we don’t mean the over-the-counter salsa with “heat”…we’re talking inferno magma quality. This chick puts chicken sauce on jalapeños as she eats them out of the jar for crissake! It's amazing she still has taste buds. But don’t let this girl fool you with her rebel ways she’s a smarty pants too, having earned her Master’s degree by 24. She is a social worker devoted to working with recovering drug addicts that are in treatment.

Bella (B)- She, on the other hand, finds comfort in all things girly. Curvy and gifted with a well endowed rack that has evoked comments from even the most flamboyant of gay men. And after years of competing in pageants, she has a keen eye for anything sparkly or bedazzled. She prefers a dress and heels over pants and flats any day of the week. She's sarcastic and takes pride in having an arsenal of cheesy pick up lines. Doesn't like being told that she can’t do something (the proud owner of a pink Ms. Fix It Tool Kit) and she thrives off of keeping a busy schedule - works fulltime, an intern for a nonprofit, volunteers for a 2nd nonprofit, is in the process of starting her own business and applying to law school.

Reader's Digest Version: We’re opposites. But opposites attract, right? The ying to each other's yang. And as one might imagine…our tastes in men are equally as *eh hemm* “diverse.” While Stella likes her men tattooed, gauged and with an appreciation for music (aka the non-dirty Seattle “hipsters”);  Bella prefers men athletic, clean cut and who have an appreciation for cooking. This works out great for us because while we’ve dated men from a wide array of ethnicities (even Cuban brothers at one point in time… that’s for a whole other blog in and of itself), there is little to no competition between us. Mocha/Vanilla. Leggy/Curvy. Blonde/Brunette. Girlie/Rocker. You get the idea.

Media has routinely bombarded us with the age old cliché that love awaits us all, and so as youth we dream of our Princes, riding in on a white stallion, rescuing us from the dark, depressive towers of our solitude, sweeping us away in a whirlwind of love and bliss. But that's what is written in books, the millions of pages in diaries worldwide tell a vastly different story. The romantic in all of us longs for the story of true love, someone who understands and anticipates our every want and desire, someone preferably tall, dark, and handsome. The tall and dark are negotiable. The handsome is not.

We remember hearing something as little girls that stuck with us from that moment on, and we'll paraphrase it here for you, “The purpose of dating is to find out what qualities you like and what qualities you don't like, and to one day find the person that embodies that ideal mate, possessing of all your positive qualities and exhibiting none of your negative ones.” It makes sense in its simplicity that we should strive to find that one perfect match.


In both of our attempts to find that perfect match...Well, let's just say we have had our fair share dating debacles over the last two and a half years. This blog is about the not-so-perfect matches and by not-so-perfect, we mean really, really so far away from being perfect.

These are our stories...here, for your enjoyment and education we will share excerpts of all the tools we've encountered, dated and otherwise had the displeasure of meeting along the way. This is our Tool Box!

Story #1: Palm Reading/Pole Dancing Tool

Palm Reading and Pole Dancing Tool (yes, this man encompasses both traits!):

As you will soon find out, this story begins the way A LOT of our stories do…a Friday night out with the girls. It was fall of 2008 and after a long week of classes and working, what’s better than throwing back a tasty pre-funking cocktail, getting glam and rounding the troops for a night on the town?!? Answer: Nothing. A ladies night is just what the doctor ordered to remedy the stress of a hectic schedule...especially when you’re 21 – Let’s face it. It’s good for the soul.

In our humble opinion there is nothing quite like the Friday night scene in Fremont. The people watching comes second to none. In the mood for live music and ethereal, organic hipsters?...head over to Nectar. Entertained by watching burgeoning 21 year old frat boys consume their weight in beer? Red Door is where it’s at. Can’t bear to leave your 4-legged friend home alone whilst you enjoy a night on the town?…At Norm’s your pooch is welcome (even encouraged) to sit alongside as you sip your favorite bevie (we’ve always wondered which number of health code regulations this violates…meh. Ignorance is bliss, right?). There’s something (and perhaps someone…) here for everyone. While we’re sure that each of these establishments presents their own unique opportunities for meeting blog-worthy men, this particular story takes us back to a cool autumn night at the Ballroom. For those of you that have been a patron of the Ballroom, you already know why everyone else is there as well. Not only are the drinks strong and cheap, the people watching is at an all time high. When you have a decently sized dance floor, platform cage and DJ, this is bound to happen. This story doesn’t involve any strange, wasted men trying to grind with us on the dance floor, oh no! This is a tale of our encounter with a crafty pick up artist; let’s just call him Palm Reading Tool for now.

As mentioned previously, this was a ladies night and as such we had already consumed a couple of tasty cocktails (by tasty we mean some concoction of vodka and low cal mixer – whatever happened to be stashed in the fridge at the time) before dialing up Yellow Cab and departing for our destination. When we walked into the bar we were pleased to see that the place wasn’t too crazy or crowded at that moment which was excellent because it didn’t reek of cheap PBR, you could grab a drink relatively quickly, and have a conversation without screaming at each other. This laid the perfect scene for Palm Reading Tool to approach us after grabbing our first round of drinks. You might be wondering – “How did he earn the title Palm Reading Tool?” Just doesn’t seem fitting for the Ballroom scene, does it? No, he wasn’t some far-out hippie nor was he a superstitious hipster that smoked a ton of pot. Actually, quite the contrary, this gorgeous man morsel was tall, dark and handsome…delish. It was as if this guy came out of the shadows, literally appearing out of nowhere! Palm Reading Tool walked with confidence as he approached us. Making small chat, he playfully palmed S’s hand (he had a very gentle touch) and said something to the effect of, “Excuse me, I was wondering if I could give you a palm reading?” S agreed, and this is what led to Palm Reading Tool sputtering a series of subtle pick-up lines that he had ready and waiting.

Now, in maintaining the busy schedules that we do, neither of us have much time to waste watching cable, let alone extended cable. It wasn’t until about a week later, when B had a moment free from her busy schedule that she sat down to watch TV and flipped to a VH1 reality show (fittingly dubbed) “The Pick-Up Artist.” It was at that moment that Palm Reading Tool’s unoriginal tactics were unveiled. B was shocked and immediately called S to relay the news. Palm Reading Tool was smart though, Fremont was definitely a first-rate venue to put this tactic to good use. Needless to say, with the combination of Palm Reading Tool’s smooth lines, chiseled bod and sexy grin…his game was FLAWLESS, obvi. He went on a few dates with S but alas, that flame fizzled out with him using the excuse that, “he had things he needed to deal with.” Psh, Whatever. S never heard from him again until…

Fast forward 9 months – July 2009. It was a Thursday night. Our friend Sam **remember all names are changed in an attempt to preserve identities** was gathering the girls for one last hurrah before he jetted off to Spain for a 3-month study abroad program. Anticipating how expensive his travels were going to be, Sam did what any savvy gay man would do…he entered the weekly pole dancing contest at the one and only R Place on Capitol Hill. Hosted by a drag queen and judged by audience applause (hence why Sam recruited all the estrogen he could)…the winning dancer receives $200 cash.

Sam needed to muster up the ol’ liquid courage in order to climb that pole and do his thang…so we were all about 3 cosmos deep (gay club, enough said) by the time the contest actually started. For a Thursday night, the place was completely pretty packed…the pole is a BIG attraction. Maybe it was the vodka flowing through his system or the fact that he had 20 lady friends cheering him on, all we know is that when that Tina Turner drag queen called him up to the platform, Sam shook what his mama gave him and let the sexy beats of Lady Gaga guide his slender body around that pole. He put on an impressive performance. Based on the sheer force of estrogen supporting him (multiple cosmos + 20 females = LOUD), there was no doubt in our minds that he had clenched the win.

Yep. We were two happy ladies. Healthy buzz flowing from those tangy cosmos and enjoying our front row view of the show as each of the proceeding contestants worked that pole.  We were both completely oblivious to the foolery that was about to unfold…and then it happened. Drag Queen: “Contestant #6 *pause for dramatic effect* (Palm Reading Tool’s Name)!!!” Three things happened simultaneously: S grabbed B’s arm, our heads turned towards each other with JAWS DROPPED and out struts Palm Reading Tool in all his gorgeousness, scantily clad in a metallic blue and red Speedo that would put the American flag to shame! We couldn’t believe it! But it sure did clear up a lot of S’s confusion.

Palm Reading Tool dominated that pole and easily put on one of the best shows we have ever had the privilege to see. That Tool hung upside down from the rafters…and was well hung, if you know what we mean…but despite having, hands down the best performance, Palm Reading Tool was out danced by Sam and his cheer section. Too bad, so sad. To top it off, S approached Pole Dancing Tool after his debut (yes, this is where the transition from Palm Reading Tool to Pole Dancing Tool happened) and asked if this was what he had to “deal with” 9 months ago. He smirked at S and said in his low, sexy voice that would bring any girl or gay man to their knees “Sweetie, you know as well as I do that I am 100% straight.” Um….right, that’s why you are at a gay club, dressed in a sparkly Speedo, hanging off the rafters for money. TOTALLY makes sense….right!?

 Moral of the Story: Ladies, never date guys who own Speedos that are bright and sparkly!